I have a long back story, and I feel it may all need to be explained.
When I was thirteen an ex-boyfriend of mine sexually assaulted me. I was told by my group of friends to go to the principle, and when I did and he was confronted, they all turned their backs on me. I went through a bout of depression, where I turned to cutting as a form of release. But my parents eventually found out and I was put in therapy for help.
I was taken out of school at the time, but I returned for my last year of junior high. Those friends acted like nothing had happened and I went along with it. We don't talk anymore. Anyways, from that moment on, I've had trouble trusting. Men especially. I'm a senior in high school right now, but I feel much older.
I had not been in a relationship since that whole incident (it's been five years). And I started working with my mother March of this year, where I met two different guys. One, who I flirted with and talked with. We became fast friends. And another whom I got to know, dated, and has since broken up with. It was my attempt at getting past my trust issue. It worked, slightly. I still feel broken, and I still feel mistrust for alot of men.
Except the first guy. Whom I think I might be falling for. And the saddest part is, when we first started getting to know one another, and started flirting, I found out he was married (and twenty-six). I was already smitten with him at the time, and even though I found out he was committed to someone else, I couldn't shake the damn crush I had on him.
I thought I had gotten over it, to be honest. I've heard talk that he's cheated on his wife with another woman at work, and he's treating me the exact same way he treated her when they first started sleeping together. Now, to be clear, I would never cross that line. I'm a virgin, and I don't plan on having sex until I'm in love and in a happy but serious relationship. Not to mention, I don't feel like I'm emotionally ready to have sex.
But, this guy, whose married, makes me feel the most I've ever felt for a man. When we talk, nothing else around me matters. When he calls me "cutie" or "sweetie" or "babe", I get tremors in my stomach. He smells amazing, and he makes me feel stress free whenever we're around each other. I confide in him, and I lean on him.
But he doesn't do the same. I know he's honest with me, but sometimes I feel like he's playing a game. And I have to wonder if that's my trust issue that gives me those weird thoughts.\
I don't know what to do. I've tried forcing myself to stop feeling stuff like this. To go with the flow. Don't over think it. Don't over-analyze. But when I'm all by myself, it's all I have to think about. And then he'll text me, and the problem won't matter anymore.
How do I fix this? How do I stop it?
(#18) Relationships can be tough, especially so when you’ve been scarred in the past. It’s difficult to gain a footing with those trust issues - but it does sound like you’re making fantastic progress!
I can only make assumptions without knowing more; considering how that first boyfriend treated you, it sounds almost as though you’ve fallen into an abusive pattern. While you have likely compared the two and they don’t seem to match up in any manner, I would bet there’s some distinct similarities between them - aside from them both being men, of course. (:
In all honesty, there’s nothing to fix. What you’re feeling is absolutely normal for any individual with affections for someone else. They’re not something you can turn off, or avoid (which is very dangerous anyway), otherwise people would face relationship issues.
But there is a thought you can hold in mind, something that may be very powerful if you use it as a dogma: If this man doesn’t blink at the opportunity to cheat on his wife, what will stop him from hurting you?
I really like this guy and I can't get him outta my head but i know were just friends, but he does seem to like me. I asked him to make sure but he wants to experience college first and i understand but its soo hard because I just wanna be with him soo badly! :-/
(#17) Guys are rough, and they can often lack the emotional tact we try to believe they have.
Not entirely random: But how old is this male friend of yours?
Help spread the word about No More Secrets!
Any and all help is greatly appreciated. <3333
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One of my best friends is currently going through a hard time. She has been friends with the same group of kids since middle school, but recently they've started distancing themselves from her and purposely not including her in their plans. My friend has started feeling very lonely and upset because she doesn't know what she did to cause this separation. I wish I could be there for her, but I moved to a different state a couple of years ago so I can't physically be there. Can you give me some advice as to how I can help her?
(#16) The great thing about friendship is it knows no boundaries.
The real disadvantage, however, is that makes it pretty darn tough to give someone a hug when they really need it!
Your friend sounds like she could use a reminder of the one friend she does have - you. So try this: Send her flowers. Or, if you don’t have the money, write her a long, sentimental snail-mail letter. Sometimes people really need those little things to help remind them of what they do have instead of what they’ve lost. In the mean time (while your item of choice awaits delivery), keep in touch. Call her frequently, and try to squeeze some of her loneliness out between phonecalls. It just sounds like she could really use a friend.
And you’re the perfect candidate.
I got an abortion and the knew the guy would never go along with it, so I didnt tell him, and I told another guy it was his. The other guy gave me money to pay for it, and I didnt say a word. Its MY body and MY problem so i took care of it, but I will forever regret telling the other guy it was his.
(#15) Life’s full of tough choices, and that’s definitely one of them.
However, dwelling on the past isn’t healthy for anyone. Sounds like you need a little closure. How would it hurt your relationship if you told him you had lied for the sake of support and the understanding you weren’t prepared for the responsibility of a child?
so there's this boy. i fell in love with him in the 9th grade, but did nothing about it because we were best friends and i didn't want to mess that up. then as time went on i found out from his friends that he felt the same way about me. we dated for a while in the tenth grade and everything was perfect, but then he broke up with me for no apparent reason. he said he wanted to go back to being just friends, but then he stopped talking to me and starting avoiding me all the time. eventually i stopped trying to remain friends with him, even though it hurt. then in the beginning of eleventh grade, i finally found out the reason why he broke up with me. his friends had been joking on him because he wasn't "getting pussy" from me. i am a christian and i believe very strongly in saving sex for marriage. he knew this, so he never mentioned his friends' teasing to me because he knew i wasn't going to compromise my beliefs so that he could look cool in front of his friends. meanwhile there was a girl in his photo class who liked him and who had hinted multiple times that she wanted to have sex with him. for a while he told her no, because he was dating me, but eventually he caved into the pressure he was getting from his friends and he chose sex over me. and that's why he broke up with me, so he could sleep with her. on one hand it was good to finally get the closure of knowing why he had dumped me, but on the other hand it was terrible to think that the boy i had been best friends with for so long, who i loved and who had told me that he loved me, would do something like that to me. i guess i was glad that he at least had the decency to break up with me instead of cheating on me, but it hurt all the same.
now we are both seniors. we still haven't spoken to each other at all since we stopped speaking in the tenth grade. however we do still have mutual friends, and they sometimes tell me things that he tells them about me. like how he's still in love with me. and how he regrets what he did more than anything. and how he hates that we don't even talk anymore. and to be honest, i'm still in love with him, too. but ever since he lost his virginity, sex has become a very big part of his life. he's no longer with the first girl, but according to our mutual friends, he has slept with dozens of other girls. and i don't think there's any way that i can know for sure that if we did get back together that he wouldn't end up choosing sex over me, again. and even though i miss him terribly and i want nothing more than to just be with him, i don't think i would be able to handle going through that a second time.
a week from tomorrow, i'm starting a new class--one that he is supposed to be in. this will be the first time in two years that we will be forced to be in a small room together and we won't be able to avoid each other anymore. and i don't know what to do. i know i want to at least be friends with him, so i can at least have him back in my life, but i don't even know if it's possible for two people who have been through as much as we have to even go back to being "just friends." i know that i'm only in high school and that i'm going to fall in love many more times before i find "the one," but for right now i can't imagine myself being with anybody else. i just don't know if being with him is worth getting hurt like that again.
(#14) Your age or where you are in life will never discount your experiences. Only fools will believe that - and you, dear, are no fool.
First love is hard. You really begin to explore what kind of person you might be with someone else, and the restrictions, and expectations that may come from it. Throw sex into the mix, and you have a lot of confusion.
It sounds like you both are receiving a lot of second hand information. And the trouble with the grape-vine is you can never be certain what’s true and what isn’t. People like to talk, and their favorite subject will always be others.
True, you will never have what you did with him again, nor may you necessarily want that. His promiscuous behavior has said as much, and don’t delude yourself into believing that you can ever change that part of him - nor should you feel like you should make that sacrifice. You both have grown into different people through the years with your difference in experiences, in beliefs and in morals. In essence, if you were to date again, would you honestly be dating your best friend from the past? Or would it be this new stranger?
Perhaps you need to truly consider who he is now as a person, from what you know about him, and not what other people have told you, and if he sincerely could be the one to satisfy your needs. If he can’t, and you can understand that, then you can start to move on
#12 Thanks,But I still see her everyday,and all we would do is just stare at each other...Sometimes,I even try avoiding her stare,but I'm not so lucky another time...I feel so frustrated...I can't concentrate on my studies... :'(((
(#12 continuation) You don’t have to not see her to move on.
Avoidance is really hindering to a healing process. When you avoid something, you don’t really solve the problem - it only makes you more anxious in the event you come across it.
I can’t tell you what you need to do to solve this because I’m not you, and I certainly don’t know what will satisfy your needs most. But it sounds like confronting her and letting her know you were hurt by that change, especially when you still appreciate her friendship.
Though it may not conclude the way you want it, closure might be something you’re searching for. And it’s going to hurt, but the biggest changes do.
You have barely had this advice blog for long but you're already doing an amazing job. I haven't asked anything, maybe I will, but thank you for being a hopeful spirit in our society. Take care.
(#13) Lucky 13!
Thank you. From the deepest depths of my heart, thank you.
And thank you to everyone who have had the courage to speak up. And to those who haven’t - I’ll be waiting. No rush.
I'm a girl,and I'm straight,alright. There's this girl at school(she's 3 years older),it was my first year,and ever since the first day of school,we've been unconditionally staring at each other whenever we meet. And I keep seeing her wherever I go. I just feel this powerful connection with her. At the end of the year,my friend got me into trouble though I didn't do anything wrong. And that girl knew it,she pretended to scold me and brought me into prefects' room,she talked to me,and I told her(lets call her A) about the friend who got me into trouble(she was a bully). A promised to handle her,and then she smiled. Then we became friends,we talked everyday till the holidays..During the holidays,she messaged me everyday...The school reopened, and I saw her,it became awkward..We don't even talked anymore..I felt frustrated;Is she angry at me? or Did I say anything wrong?...It just goes on...I always think of her,not that I want it,sometimes,I don't even sleep at night thinking of her..But,I know I'm not into her,I still feel some connection and her eyes on me all the time...:'(( What should I do...
(#12) It sounds like you had honest friendship potential!
Just because you feel a powerful connection with another person has no indication of your sexual orientation. It just means you’re able to relate to that individual more than others, and we see that every day (some people call them best friends, but I personally like besties).
As what you should do? Nothing. From what it sounds like, you haven’t done anything wrong to jeopardize your guys’ relationship. What MAY have happened is someone said something to her - a friend her age that noticed she was being buddy-buddy with an underclassmen - and she’s simply made the mistake of valuing their opinion over your guys’ relationship.
Sadly, you won’t be able to change the way you feel. What you can do, however, is protect those memories you have with her, really cherish those moments… And learn to build relationships like that with other people. The world’s filled with endless possibilities, she won’t be the last person who will make your head go in circles.
(: Plus it never hurts to make new friends in place of others.
i regret being me
(#11) Who else could you be, if not you?